Looking for love: why some people can’t find a partner

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girl-in-light-darkness-1437166It’s said that love makes the world go round and studies seem to support that: people in long-term commitments, such as marriage, are happier and in better health than those who are single or uncommitted.

However, there are many people who claim they can’t find a partner despite their wish to. What hinders their intentions? It can be many things, but usually they fall in two main categories of reasons…

  1. They don’t actively look for a partner or they look in the wrong place

After a certain age, most of us have a routine based life: job, a bit of fun in our spare time, the same circle of friends, the same neighbourhood. In this context, it becomes tricky to find the one because our range of choices is limited. Luckily today there are many other options when searching for potential partners, from online dating to joining local hobby clubs. However, many people are reluctant to try such options and think it’s not ‘their style’ to actively look for a partner. More than that, some people even transmit messages of unavailability by deciding to avoid eye contact, smiling or talking to new people. This is often an old learned habit that stems from the myth that love is always waiting just around the corner and it will eventually find you. Therapy can help one understand where such attitudes towards dating are rooted, unlearn them and relearn that it is nothing desperate or unnatural to go and actively look for your other half. The whole process might be anxiety provoking, but with the right support anyone can learn that finding that special someone can be a choice, not an accident.

  1. They are not psychologically ready for that special one

A large percentage of people enter therapy because they feel like there’s no hope to find that special someone. They usually state what they perceive as a paradox: although there’s nothing wrong with them and their life, it seems impossible to form a significant relationship with another! Through therapeutic work, they soon discover that not being able to find a partner is just a symptom for some underlying conditions. The fact that someone desperately wants a partner and doesn’t find them could mean that they go through some situations specified in the previous paragraph, as well as the fact that they look for a partner for the wrong reasons. Such reasons can be:

  • wanting someone because of social and/or family pressure

  • being in relationships for most of their life and not being able to cope with single life;

  • fear of abandonment;

  • trying to replace someone significant who left without giving themselves the time to mourn and heal;

  • childhood abandonment issues;

  • personality disorders, such as a dependent personality;

  • feeling worthless unless in a relationship

  • a general lack of meaning in their life that they hope to suppress by focusing on someone else.

Of course, these are just some briefly stated reasons, but sometimes more than one and more than these examples can prevent a person from being happy with someone else.

To conclude, it’s not the world that it’s against us when looking for love, it’s not that all the potential matches are already taken, it’s just sometimes we are not ready yet to be with someone and we need to work a bit on personal development. It might sound weird to tell someone who is 50+ that they are not ready to meet the love of their life, but it happens quite a lot. There are many people who still don’t know that if you didn’t learn how to be happy on your own and you don’t know yourself well than you can’t be happy with someone else or make that person happy.

The good news is that all this can be changed with the right support. A therapist can assist one in finding their real self and their own happiness in order to start looking for that special one for all the right reasons. If you feel like you’re going through something similar and would need support in understanding how to look for love, we’re here and you can give us a call.

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A modern dilemma: your phone or your loved ones?

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happy-family-1316748The era of all-things-smart is here and life is becoming rapidly digitalized. Everything happens online, from shopping to finding jobs or the love of our life. Smartphones are more than an extension of our hands, they are becoming an extension of ourselves and we feel incomplete when we lose them or even when we run out of battery. For most of us, it’s been probably months or years since we willingly gave technology up for a whole day. Figures vary, but all of them show that we’re technology indulgent. For example, in 2014 we used to spend more time watching TV, typing, gaming or listening to a smart device than sleeping (Communication Market report by Ofcom, 2014). The numbers are even more worrying with young people as they are online for an average of 27 hours a week. In 2015, a typical American spent about eleven hours a day using a form of media (Nielsen’s Total Audience Report, 2015).

The implications

Technology makes our life more comfortable and more entertaining, but there are costs for having it all at our fingertips. Health is one such cost, as too much computer use correlates with musculoskeletal disease, vision problems, headaches, tiredness, as well as with certain mental health problems (stress, anxiety, fatigue and depression).

Another big expense is represented by our relationships. Some of us have hundreds or even thousands of social media friends but nobody to call when we’re down. We post happy pictures of our perfect life, but we cry ourselves to sleep. We feel popular, but we are, in fact, alone. Getting in touch with someone’s virtual persona does not truly connect you with them. Face to face contact is what helps, but it becomes a luxury in a busy world where everything happens online. In this context, what we miss out on really is life itself. A sunset, a smile from a dear friend, a cup of coffee at the same table, a hand shake or a hug are vital for the humanity in us. Technology is important and it makes life easier, but it shouldn’t replace it. If you suspect that your phone is stealing your life, here’s a list of things to try in order to regain control:

Be honest with yourself

People underestimate the time spent online, believing they spend half of the time they actually do, according to a study by Andrews, Ellis, Shaw & Piwek (2015). You can use technology to see how much of your time is spent in the world of web2.0 by downloading different apps that monitor your presence online, especially on the most time consuming ones, like social media platforms. This might sound funny, but it’s a first step to giving up and it’s a step taken on your current terms: the terms of a techy person.

Try to slowly decrease the time

Once you’ve decided to spend some time apart from your phone, it’s time to really go for it. It won’t be easy, especially if you are one of those people who wake up with their phone in their hand. Again, for the moment, you can try an app that blocks your access to the sites where you spend most of your time. Even if you don’t do it for a whole day, do it for at least one hour each day. It would still make a difference!

Replace the habit

Although it might not be a proper addiction in your case, it helps to replace bad habits with healthier ones. If you decided to cut down the number of hours spent online to 2 from 4, why not join the gym in those hours, chat to a friend or read a short-story? Technology gives us access to oceans of information, but it doesn’t necessarily make us smarter, and the old ways to expand our imagination and vocabulary, such as reading, still work well.

Make a bigger difference

Because relationships define us a ‘social animals’ before anything else, it is always worth nurturing and cultivating them. When you decide to spend time with your friends instead of your phone you invest in yourself, in them and in your relationship. On the other hand, you might find out that they struggle with the same problem and trying to work together on it can have a positive impact in your smaller or larger community. So, why not do something bigger and declare Sunday a ‘tech Sabbath’ day?

Do it yourself and also encourage others to leave their phones and go hiking, running, biking, sunbathing, swimming, writing poetry in the woods or just staring at the sky in the best company your body, mind and heart can have: your loved ones!

If you need support in balancing different sectors of your life, give us a call. We are happy to help you with time management, relationships, as well as with certain addictive or potentially addictive behaviours.

 

Reference:

Andrews S, Ellis DA, Shaw H, Piwek L (2015) Beyond Self-Report: Tools to Compare Estimated and Real-World Smartphone Use. PLoS ONE 10(10): e0139004. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0139004

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Looking for Love: Know Yourself First

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Looking for Love - CCFEG.com“Love comes when you stop looking for it.”

 

While those words may seem illogical some, they do have truth to them.  When we are not focusing on trying to attract someone, we have time to better ourselves, making ourselves more interesting and happier people.

 

And who wouldn’t want to start a relationship with a really interesting, really happy person?

 

The trick is to find what truly interests you.  Choosing an activity based on how you think you will appear most interesting or who may also be interested in that activity is just bad news.  Find something that makes you lose track of time when you’re doing it.  Something that you can’t wait to do again, even after you’ve just finished.

 

Once you find that one thing that makes your heart sing, pursue it.  You’ll be amazed by the results.

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Choosing to Have a Strong Relationship

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Choosing to Have a Strong RelationshipIt’s often an exciting experience to start a new relationship. Finding someone who shares your interests, joys, goals and sorrows makes you feel on top of the world.  But healthy, long-term relationships are built on more than just attraction and infatuation that comes early on.  To have a strong, long lasting relationship with your partner, you both must be willing to put in the time and effort.

 

A continuous effort is needed to build a solid foundation that offers strong support for the inevitable challenges the future holds.  And it takes time to know whether the elements that make up that foundation are present. But when they are and the proper amount of effort is added, a deeper more meaningful relationship will have the chance to develop.

 

Why Successful Relationships Take Time to Build

Building a strong relationship with someone is a gradual process. Certain interactions happen that can change how you relate with one another. For instance, conflicts will inevitably arise.  Choosing how to deal with such disagreements will either strengthen or deteriorate the relationship. In addition, changes in personality or circumstances may affect how you feel about one another. The way both partners react to change can act as an opportunity to either improve the relationship or become the source of separations and break ups.

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