Looking for love: why some people can’t find a partner

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girl-in-light-darkness-1437166It’s said that love makes the world go round and studies seem to support that: people in long-term commitments, such as marriage, are happier and in better health than those who are single or uncommitted.

However, there are many people who claim they can’t find a partner despite their wish to. What hinders their intentions? It can be many things, but usually they fall in two main categories of reasons…

  1. They don’t actively look for a partner or they look in the wrong place

After a certain age, most of us have a routine based life: job, a bit of fun in our spare time, the same circle of friends, the same neighbourhood. In this context, it becomes tricky to find the one because our range of choices is limited. Luckily today there are many other options when searching for potential partners, from online dating to joining local hobby clubs. However, many people are reluctant to try such options and think it’s not ‘their style’ to actively look for a partner. More than that, some people even transmit messages of unavailability by deciding to avoid eye contact, smiling or talking to new people. This is often an old learned habit that stems from the myth that love is always waiting just around the corner and it will eventually find you. Therapy can help one understand where such attitudes towards dating are rooted, unlearn them and relearn that it is nothing desperate or unnatural to go and actively look for your other half. The whole process might be anxiety provoking, but with the right support anyone can learn that finding that special someone can be a choice, not an accident.

  1. They are not psychologically ready for that special one

A large percentage of people enter therapy because they feel like there’s no hope to find that special someone. They usually state what they perceive as a paradox: although there’s nothing wrong with them and their life, it seems impossible to form a significant relationship with another! Through therapeutic work, they soon discover that not being able to find a partner is just a symptom for some underlying conditions. The fact that someone desperately wants a partner and doesn’t find them could mean that they go through some situations specified in the previous paragraph, as well as the fact that they look for a partner for the wrong reasons. Such reasons can be:

  • wanting someone because of social and/or family pressure

  • being in relationships for most of their life and not being able to cope with single life;

  • fear of abandonment;

  • trying to replace someone significant who left without giving themselves the time to mourn and heal;

  • childhood abandonment issues;

  • personality disorders, such as a dependent personality;

  • feeling worthless unless in a relationship

  • a general lack of meaning in their life that they hope to suppress by focusing on someone else.

Of course, these are just some briefly stated reasons, but sometimes more than one and more than these examples can prevent a person from being happy with someone else.

To conclude, it’s not the world that it’s against us when looking for love, it’s not that all the potential matches are already taken, it’s just sometimes we are not ready yet to be with someone and we need to work a bit on personal development. It might sound weird to tell someone who is 50+ that they are not ready to meet the love of their life, but it happens quite a lot. There are many people who still don’t know that if you didn’t learn how to be happy on your own and you don’t know yourself well than you can’t be happy with someone else or make that person happy.

The good news is that all this can be changed with the right support. A therapist can assist one in finding their real self and their own happiness in order to start looking for that special one for all the right reasons. If you feel like you’re going through something similar and would need support in understanding how to look for love, we’re here and you can give us a call.

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Looking for Love: Know Yourself First

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Looking for Love - CCFEG.com“Love comes when you stop looking for it.”

 

While those words may seem illogical some, they do have truth to them.  When we are not focusing on trying to attract someone, we have time to better ourselves, making ourselves more interesting and happier people.

 

And who wouldn’t want to start a relationship with a really interesting, really happy person?

 

The trick is to find what truly interests you.  Choosing an activity based on how you think you will appear most interesting or who may also be interested in that activity is just bad news.  Find something that makes you lose track of time when you’re doing it.  Something that you can’t wait to do again, even after you’ve just finished.

 

Once you find that one thing that makes your heart sing, pursue it.  You’ll be amazed by the results.

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